I remember,I remember it all.I remember i looked in the mirror and i saw no one,not even my childhood inside of me.I remember the time when I couldn’t tell the feeling of being happy.I remember the time I was crying when nobody’s around.I remember the feel of my bruising skin.I remember I tried to find some help but no words spoken.I remember times when I missed my parents but I chose not to go home.I remember I didn’t know who I was.I remember those pills and sleepless nights.I remember when I sleptwalking in the day and slept with my eyes opened in the night.I remember I was scared.I remember I wasn’t happy.I remember even God would hates me.I remember I didn’t feel pretty at all.I remember I hated morning breeze.I remember I didn’t trust anyone but me.I remember marriage and kids weren’t the plan.I remember I saw kids, they’re laughing and I couldn’t feel a thing.I remember I was in love then I got hurt and left behind.I remember the last phone call,hurt as hell,cut deeper than a knife.I remember the last long-short message 6 in the morning,I remember I got confused with the phrase of “ideal life I have always wanted”.I remember I got too scared just to get pray.I remember I felt so small I could feel my bones.

I remember I opened my door and feel the sunshine and let breeze stroke my hair.I remember I was in tears cause the world just so beautiful.I remember my best friends hugged me in my sleep.I remember the first time I laughed so hard my cheeks felt hurt.I remember the first time I got on the bus and got lost.I remember the first time I put on lotion brushed my hair,feel pretty in my sleep.I remember the first time I felt the happiness bursting inside of me I couldn’t stop smiling.I remember  I saw my parents and realized they mean the world to me.I remember I saw my sister working her ass off just to get her dream,I realized how much I had missed.I remember I saw kids laughing,and I felt the warmness inside of my heart,wishing I could hug my own sons or daughters soon.I remember the time when my grandmother sat down next to me and told me in sudden,”Bil,when there’s a guy who loves you and he’s loved by Allah, and you love him back, marry him.Marry him,don’t let your family,education,and careers get you in the way to marry a great guy,marry him”.I remember I prayed and asked my Best Friend,Allah,to sent me my match,the one who’s everything that I always wanted,I wished my match is a person that Allah is in love with and in love with Allah as well,I wished I marry a person who could be my best friend and lover.I remember everytime I closed with someone,I prayed Allah would show me soon,real soon,if one of those were my match,I didn’t want to wait three years again just to got left behind.

I remember I met you..

I remember the first time I laughed with you.I remember I prayed again wishing if you’re not the one,Allah would separate us soon.I remember I tried so hard to avoid you,but I always end up saw you again.I remember the first time I fall in love with every single thing you do,the way you respect me,the way you respect your family,the way you respect you friends,the way you respect strangers, and the way you’re in love with Allah and serve him.I remember I got scared then I remember what my grandma said to me.I remember I gave myself a chance.I remember I decided. 

and It was the best decision I ever made.

You are my best friend,my partner,my private cheerleader,my guard,my clown.You are a man I never thought even exist.This is unbelievable.Sometimes I wake up in the morning and still can’t believe how well this is been.We’re so happy we never fight.I’m glad there’s no drama in this journey.The first time I feel safe and secure after a really-really-really long time.Even after I told you my past,you even love me more.

This morning I wrote this cause I can’t stop smiling after reminiscing what I had to go through to get to this point.After a flashback,It hits me that what happened back then,It was all worth it.

happiness is all about gratitude,that’s simple.

“so this happiness feels like”, said to myself this morning.